Overheard and understood

The other day, I was eavesdropping and I heard strange scraps of a one-sided conversation. Although I didn’t get much out of it at first, I was able eventually to identify the speaker by his initials.

Well, if you’re talking about breaking an old record, then yes, I take that very personally… Just get he and I together and you’ll get all the aid you need… If you just give me a… well, I’ll be very hard to get over, I’ll tell you that much… Yes, if you give me the key and don’t care about why, then you’ll have your precious seaweed… Why are you referring to me with an archaic form of "you"? Is it because you want to hear me cry like a wounded dog? … Can I start something at the theater? No, you’ve got me all backwards… Is my middle initial "I"? Buddy, I’ve had enough of your mouth.