Interpersonal Skills Asked by PKU on August 21, 2021
My GF and I are in our 30s have known each other for about a year now and ever since the pandemic started, she stays with me most of the time and the rest she stays with her parents. Due to the current conditions, both of us have to work from home the entire week. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, so there is no dedicated home office setup for me to work. It is either the living room or bedroom with a table and a chair. I do have a problem of short attention span and am very easily distracted. So, I try to stay in my zone, when I need to focus, as much as possible even putting away my phone or switching it off completely. I like having an organized schedule everyday. My GF is more free spirited. She is kind and very caring.
My time during the day on an average weekday goes like this:
And on weekends, I try to get some chores and other household things done. I try to work more on my studies and relax a bit watching tv or sports.
My GFs schedule goes:
Before the pandemic
Now:
I love her a lot but of late, her spending more time with me has caused a lot of concern in my being able to keep up with my schedule. I appreciate her staying with me during this time as we are all in lockdown. However, there are certain things she does that I making me wish she spent less time with me and more time with her family because there she has more people to interact with and to keep her occupied.
Concerns I have:
Some of these problems along with her rather negligent approach to finding more work have caused me to think that maybe we are on separate paths and if we continue as is, sooner or later it will lead to a break up in which case, I prefer that happen sooner than later. During the lockdown, there have been instances, where things became tough and I almost broke up with her a few times and later reconciled as we stayed together and I did not want to see her cry or be sad.
What I would like some help on are:
I can relate to this a lot. I too have a significant other who wants more attention than I want to give, and he easily gets upset if I direct my attention elsewhere, even to something like work. We also have very different sleep schedules. It's been a struggle and I can't say I've fully solved it, but I do have some advice on things that have helped
First off, you cannot control how someone else feels or if they cry. Probably they can't even control it, so get that idea out of your head right now. What you want may make her sad, you simply cannot get around that. If her behavior in response is malicious or controlling, it's reasonable to ask for that to stop, but if she's simply sad and crying, you can't reasonably ask for her to be "more mature" and "less emotional". It's unlikely for this to change about her anytime soon, if ever, so you have to decide if it's something you can live with.
When it comes to giving life advice without being asked for it, just stop. There are a few other questions on this site that address that so I won't go into detail here, but suffice to say that nobody appreciates unsolicited advice. Let her live her life, even if it seems like she's making a mistake. Again you have to decide if you can live with watching her make her choices or not, but you don't have the option of making them for her. I get it, it's frustrating, but that's the reality of it.
So now that we've established what's outside of your control, let's focus on what you can control: setting and enforcing boundaries. I'm going to warn you, it won't be easy. She will get upset, and you'll have to stand your ground despite that or nothing will change. Decide what boundaries are important to you, and communicate them clearly when you are both calm and don't have anything else competing for your attention. If that's too be left completely undisturbed during certain hours during the week, then say that. Also tell her if she can't be in your home and respect those boundaries then you'll have to limit visits to the weekend. Don't try to beat around the bush, just be clear and direct. I'd say something like this, obviously tailor it to your own style:
I need to talk to you about something. Is now a good time for you to talk? (Wait for confirmation.) During [hours], I really need to focus on work. It's very difficult for me to maintain or regain focus, so it's important that nothing else grabs my attention. That's why I even silence my phone. I don't mind you being here while I work, but it affects my work performance when you interact with me. I understand I'm asking a lot by asking you to ignore me completely while I'm working, so if it'd be easier for you to instead be with your family so you have someone to interact with during the day, I understand. We can always spend time together on the weekends or after [time] on the weekdays when I can give you the attention you deserve. What do you think?
The exact wording isn't important, and you can expand it beyond work. However you word it, it's best to focus it on what you need and not what she's doing "wrong" (notice no sentence starts with "you"). It's also important to be clear and direct. She will probably respond with something like "but I just want a quick hug sometimes, that doesn't take much time" or "I'm just trying to show how much I care for you." Respond with something along the lines like, "I understand and I appreciate that. However a quick hug will cost me thirty minutes of work due to me losing my focus, so I can't be doing that. I wish I were able to immediately get back to work so I could take those small breaks with you, but I can't."
Maybe she'll agree to spend the day elsewhere or she'll stay at your place and respect the boundary you've drawn. However if she does interrupt you during work again, remind her of what you told her. If it happens too much (whatever that amount is to you) or if she won't agree to leave you alone during work, then ask her to leave and that you'll see her on the weekend (or whenever you're willing to dedicate time to her). She won't like that, but you have to stand firm. If you let her violate your boundary, then you're giving mixed signals about what you're okay with. Be clear and consistent.
Frankly I'm not sure she will accept this. Most people aren't happy to see the person they're dating only on the weekends, and she doesn't sound like she'd be an exception. If you really don't want to spend time with her during the week because you have too many other things you'd rather do, then I suggest you have a frank conversation about that fact. If that's not something she's happy with, then maybe it is better for you to split up. You shouldn't be with her just because you don't like to see her upset; you will cause her far more pain in the long run by living some charade you can't keep up forever. I know it's difficult, but you owe it to both of you to be clear and honest about the sort of relationship you want.
Answered by Kat on August 21, 2021
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