Deontic mode, not epistemic mode

These are polite requests, not conditioned predictions.

In particular, they use modal verbs in the deontic mode of obligations and permissions, not the epistemic mode of possibilities and predictions. Ditch the “if” part and nothing changes in the formulation.

“Would you get us some coffee?” is just the past-tense version of the present-tense request “Will you get us some coffee?” We use past tense here as a form of polite distancing compared with using present tense.

Remember that “Will you VERB?” is the same as “Do you wish/want to VERB?” This is therefore the present-tense version of “Would you VERB?” and that the same as “Did you wish/want to VERB?” — also in past tense.

Imagine it were this:

• Please say hello for us should you chance upon him in Cairns.

• Did you wish to fetch us some coffee should they have any?

See how polite those requests are? Much more so than this phrasing:

• Get us some of whatever coffee they’ve got left, right now!

They still all amount to requests or polite commands if you prefer. Not “conditionals” that make some prediction about the future or about the past. They are a strategy for recasting imperatives into interrogatives to make them sound less harsh, less demanding. A question like:

• Will you please get me some coffee now?

Has nothing at all to do with the future. It means exactly:

• Are you willing to get me some coffee now?

• Do you wish to get me some coffee now?

• Do you want to get me some coffee now?

• Please get me some coffee now.

Here, though, is what you might think of as an ELL conditional that incorporates a deontic present-tense will in its protasis, then follows with a second deontic present-tense modal in the apodosis:

• If you will all please take your seats, then we can get started.

It is again possible to backshift from present tense to past tense to produce a less harsh request:

• If you would all please take your seats, then we could get started.

But whether you backshift into past tense or leave it in the present tense, it still really means simply this:

• Please take your seats so that we can start.

It’s a command, not the declaration of a conditioned prediction.

English does not have numbered conditionals: would that it were so! That’s but a facile fiction told to people trying to learn English as a second language. Numbering our conditionals is something that is never taught to native speakers, and furthermore is ignored by linguists. It is not real.

They are probably conditionals because there probably is a condition. I say this as “if” can be replaced by “on condition that”.

Whether an obvious condition is a condition is a philosophical question – compare:

“If you are not killed on the mission, meet me in London” with

“If you are killed on the mission, meet me in London”

The latter is impossible and does not require to be stated. But note that unreal conditions are conditions:

“If I could fly, I would go to France.”

If you see him, would you say hello? = If you see him [this is the condition], would [ = is it possible for] you [to] say hello [request]?

The ability of your being able to say “Hello” to him is accepted as being conditional upon your seeing him.

Would [ = is it possible for] you [to] get us some coffee [request] if they have any [this is the condition]?

The ability of your being able to buy coffee is accepted as being conditional upon there being some to buy.

1 Get us some coffee! – the speaker demands that coffee is obtained.

2 Please, get us some coffee. – the speaker hopes that coffee is obtained.

3 Will you get us some coffee? – the speaker looks to the certainty of coffee being obtained.

4 Would you get us some coffee? – the speaker looks to the possibility of coffee being obtained.

All of the above are requests for a future action. The future is not certain but experience shows that coffee is often available. If the listener returns without coffee, then

A: “Why did you not get any coffee?”

B: “They had none.” / “The shop is closed” / “I was robbed”, etc.

5 Would you get us some coffee, if they have any/ if they are open?/ if you are not robbed?

“If they have any (etc.)” is polite because it provides an excuse [i.e. a condition] for an acceptable cause of failure, thus saving embarrassment.