Interpersonal Skills Asked by Zenitsu on August 21, 2021
Hi guys looks like I need your advice again. Right now I’m working in an East-Asian country and there was this girl in the office that I like but has left the company. I don’t really know her very well as there is a language barrier but she was very kind, polite and helpful to me. On her last day, it is a courtesy in this country to give something to your co-workers before you leave the company. I left early so we were not able bid our farewells with each other but she left the souvenir and a note on my desk saying "thank you". When I came back the next day, I was surprised and happy to see the note so I felt the need to thank her. I have her contact so I messaged her and thanked her as well. She responded and we exchanged messages for a while and at the end of it I told her that we should meet up sometime so that we could bid our farewells personally because I was also scheduled to go back to my home country as well because I don’t want to extend my contract in which she agreed. And then, covid-19 happened.
Because of covid-19 I was not able to return to my home country so I was forced to extend my contract for about 6 months because my home country’s airport has banned international flights until further notice. On top of that I was transferred to another city as well.
Fast forward to this day, I messaged her again asking how she is and she responded that she is fine and is now working in another company. I still wanted to meet her but because of the distance (it would take an airplane or a train) I thought that it would really be unreasonable to ask her again about our promised meetup. To my surprise, she initiated the topic of meeting up and it made me really happy. I told her about the situation and she suggested to meet halfway in which I agreed to. All of this time I was thought that it would only be the 2 of us but at the end of our conversation she reiterated to meet sometime when the covid-19 settles down BUT she mentioned another ex co-worker to come along.
Now my question is, how do I tell her smoothly that it would be fine to meet even if that other person is not present? Note that this other person is also my co-worker before so I could also opt to tell this other person to not come along but I think that would also be a separate question as well.
There are many reasons she might want to bring another person. One might be to ensure her safety, or that of her reputation. Another might relate to a promise made to her parents or someone else. She might be trying to make it clear to you that this is not a "date" or romantic meeting, just two work friends chatting. She might even want someone to help with the language problems.
If it was me, and you tried anything to persuade me not to bring a third person, especially if you used the phrase "3rd wheel", I would cancel the meeting and never agree to another. If I feel unsafe, if I feel I need assistance or backup, and you try to talk me out of it, I don't feel reassured. I feel threatened. I feel like you want to make sure I won't have someone with me who could foil any malicious acts from you.
So, the best way to persuade her she doesn't need a chaperone, translator, bodyguard, or not-a-date-field-emitter is to cheerfully go and meet her with that person, and have her realize that for your next meeting, it can be just the two of you. Because you're safe, friendly, gentle, can overcome the language issues, aren't pressing her to move faster than she wants, and so on.
Answered by Kate Gregory on August 21, 2021
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